Do I tend to only have a few friends by choice or by default? I use to think it was by choice and that I tend to be a picky person and make friends with the best of people and just have many aquaintances. I’m starting to think that it is by default and I either do something right with the few people that do become friends or they are the very few that are able to tolerate whatever it is I am doing wrong with everyone else.
I don’t think I have ever felt lonlier in my entire life. This is not only because I still know nobody here (or probably should say have any friends) but also because I feel like I can not talk to anybody about it. Everyone thinks I am so happy here, which I am in that I love this place, I just want to know people. I don’t mind going and doing things by myself, but that is only every now and again…the more I have to do it the more I hate it and it really bothers me…Anyway back to what I was saying people think that I am happy and I dont want anyone to worry about me which I am afraid will happen if I talk to anybody about the way that I am feeling.
It just sucks so bad…why can I not find at least one friend, just one would be nice. As I said before I think I lost Jason…from myspace it seems as though he has met someone, that he is possibly dating….which is sad to me being that I do like him in more then a friend way…but I really would like to be friends with him at the very least. I think I have decided to go to see his artwork when he is not working…I just dont want to be a bother, but I really would like to see it as I know he was excited about it….I will probably also send him some kind of birthday note on 1/23, just not sure what I will say in it. If he does not respond or I dont hear anything from him, that will be my last contact with him…just the thought of it is making me cry right now….
What I want to know is why was/and still am number two on his myspace top 8. I just dont understand it….should I read something into that or do I read too much into things. I wish I could make sense of it all.
Well I guess that is it for now…I hate crying myself to sleep